​Day Two: The Desire for Connection

Date: March 14, 2017
Locations: Ogden, Utah to Bend, Oregon
​Personal Photo: The Philippines, December 2014

​Yesterday Ollie and I drove from Ogden, Utah to Bend, Oregon. The Utah and Idaho portions of the trip paled in comparison to driving the public lands of Oregon. To date, I believe it is one of the best places to watch a sunset and sunrise. The colors are magnificent, the landscape expansive and uninterrupted by manmade creations, and the wildlife in this area is unmoved by the few cars that pass through.

I even had to stop the car to allow a whole herd of deer to cross the road – deer that were unhurried, as I was the visitor on their land. As I was waiting for the last deer to cross the road, I opened the window for Ollie to watch and smell what was going on, and I pondered the point of my whole trip, which is really the point of this lifetime.

As humans, we come with a built in chip to desire things. It was a survival mechanism, at first. A desire for food, a desire for water, and later, a desire for love kept us alive and the world populated.

“How many lifetimes have I experienced the deep desire to be loved and to really be seen by another?” I asked myself.  

It starts with our parents if we are lucky enough to have them around, and then as we get older we desire a romantic partner. Yet, no matter what partner showed up in my life, it wasn’t enough. I wasn’t satisfied with anyone. They didn’t know how to love me the way I needed to be loved, I would say. Of course, I did not even know how to love myself in the way I needed. How could anyone else?

It was the archetype story of Isis and Adam, as Adamus St. Germain - an ascended master who shares through the Crimson Circle organization - explains in his ‘Wound of Adam’ material. Adam tells Isis he loves her. He does physical things for her and makes love to her, and says, “Isis, I love you. Do you not love me too?”

Isis responds, “Yes, Adam, I do love you, but I need to love myself first.”

Adam is wounded, and later he tries to punish Isis for being rejected. The story goes on, and it’s likely you have played both roles at one point or another.

If there’s anything I have experienced in this life intensely and repeatedly, it is this:

When I feel a deep desire for something outside of myself - whenever I long for external connection - whether it is an understanding friendship or a deep romantic connection - I must find it within myself first. Even the desire to make passionate love to someone is really a desire to make love to myself – something I can say I have mastered to date.

It wasn’t pretty, but for two straight weeks in January, I found myself longing to be understood by others, to be supported in my business by the conscious community around me in Colorado. You could smell the desperation. I wasn’t getting what I needed from my friends, and they were conscious, so why could they not see what I needed and desired?

Then on the night of February 3rd, after dinner and wine with members of my community, I went into a deep sleep. I woke suddenly at 3 a.m. feeling an intense passion.

“What was this passion for?” I asked.

It was for me, and I felt it permeate my body of consciousness. It rolled through the universe of myself – all parts. I sensed a passion, an attraction so intense for me, to know myself, to love myself, that I could not deny it anymore.

And so the idea for this journey – with a seed planted by Master M - was birthed from soul passion. It was an unwavering passion to internally explore who I AM, when I perceive myself through the sense of love. It’s one of those kinds of propositions, one of those opportunities to get to know yourself that you don’t turn down.

After nine hours of driving, dinner, and a beer later, I am laying in the hotel bed entirely relaxed. As I drift off to sleep, I see myself walking through a canyon that does not feel of this world. It is on a new earth in the absence of duality, linear time, and gravity.

I am walking alone  - Ollie is in his own bed and in his own dream at this point - through the canyon in complete love, peace, and more than anything, total expansion.

I sense the wholeness of who I AM. I sense the energy design of what wholeness looks like and what it means to me. I draw the energetic design in my virtual notebook so my human can remember when I wake up on old, physical, gravity-laden Earth, continuing on the journey.

Today I set out on the road, holding the energy design of wholeness within me, and exploring what it means to be a complete master of me, of Self.

As usual, it won't be boring. And, yes, I will write about it. 
 
READER REFLECTION
 
If you choose, first consciously breathe, bringing awareness to the natural connection between human and soul self, as well as all parts of the universe of you. You can ask the following questions or create your own, at any time.

• What have I deeply desired to receive from others, which I could not give myself?
• What has kept me from feeling incomplete?
• How is my ability to allow self-love related and/or connected to receiving love from others?

If you choose, move - with only awareness and no effort - into a time and space where you are in complete alignment – a space where you feel one with SELF.

Sense the difference between this space and where you were right before the shift.

What has changed? Can you sense any difference?

Observe – without judgment or criticism - how you move from the sense of oneness/ wholeness/ completion and back into the human desire to receive externally in your everyday life.

​Make notes, if you choose.