I went through an read all your comments this morning. I'm not sure if you know this, but your comments and stories shared on Ryver are a huge part of my Triple E experience.
I recently wrote several chapters on my experience of being so deep in the in-person experience of my life at the Crimson Circle. Through this I was able to identify a pattern - one I needed to own. I process through writing and sharing when some people process internal and then share - and of course, there is no right or wrong about it - it just is.
The pattern is one I have had for lifetimes - going deep into spiritual or conscious teachings and then seeing how those sharing it were not living it one way or another. You could apply it to any life in which I dove deeply into the Christ consciousness or spiritual teachings.
In my lifetimes as a Druid, the separation of men and woman and the supposed spirituality superiority of men was another. In my closest lifetime and many others, I saw people using wisdom and gifts of sight to manipulate others. The list goes on and I'm sure you can relate.
Then I ask myself, "Have I not used my gifts to manipulate in other lives or even this one?"
In fact, I have, and upon leaving the physical body, I realized the only person I was hurting was me. I had to work out those manipulations on the dense and primal astral planes before coming back into physical form. It was nothing short of a life sentence in those lower-level astral planes.
Indeed, when I go into this unpleasant experience and remember what it took to move through my manipulations - there was a gift. That gift is compassion - for myself and for others who are creating that experience for themselves.
I have held deep discussions with my soul about this pattern - a chapter I am ready to close. My soul said get it out and move on. So I am going to share a couple more stories of discernment here (if you don't want to read it - skip over to the new chapter marked below) and then I am going to seal the chapter shut and move on.
This week on Monday we had dinner with a friend. Thinking I had shut the door on all this, they mentioned they were at a live event of the organization and were stunned by the level of gossip between the leaders of the organization. I went straight back into my list of grievances.
"How can I move forward when the evidence keeps piling up?"
"Stop gathering evidence! Remember the compassion!"
So there is one last story I have to write because holding it in is eating me up inside and then I am going to move on. The funny thing is it has nothing to do with me - I was not involved in this story at all - yet though a strange turn of events I came to witness it from the outside without anyone even knowing I was able to see it.
There once was a lovely woman who felt the call to experience enlightenment in this life. Not only was she conscious and eager to learn, she happened to be beautiful and young.
She found an organization that held workshops on such topics and decided to join. Of course, there were conscious men at these workshops, and with the freedom from duality and wine that flowed freely, often the workshops meant having some fun, for her.
A woman who was part of the leadership of the organization liked to watch what was happening - with any couple, not just this woman - and manipulate experiences from her place of power as a respected leader.
The ironic thing was the organization had a class on the sexual energy virus, which at its core was about mastering where you get and give energy. The core materials were about filling yourself up from within - not trying to gain energy from outside yourself. The leader had given the course at least a dozen times.
This summer I came to find out this leader of the organization told a man that had been involved with the woman mentioned above how much she did not like her. She went on to tell the man that this woman was manipulative and basically evil and he needed to stay far, far away from her.
The thing is it doesn't matter if it is true or not - though I do not think any of it is true.
What matters to me is that a woman who is a respected leader uses her place of power to manipulate the outcome of other's relationships. It's classic sexual energy virus - a person in a place of power, uses the power to affect situations through energetic manipulation.
She will find a dark corner, lean on the man's shoulder, and then place little seeds of doubt in his mind about the relationship or the people involved. Gossip based on nothing. Then the man, or whomever, will make decisions about his or her life based on what this person said, or made up, from the position of power. Of course, this man or whomever could use discernment, yet often these workshops leave people so disoriented discernment can fly out the door, making the person a vulnerable target.
In the last three years with Crimson Circle, I have watched it over and over again. I know it has included me. First outwardly, this woman in front of an entire group of people once tried to "hook me up" with a known womanizer standing next to me. It was embarrassing and disgusting.
Then on multiple occasions, I would be talking to a platonic male friend who is like a brother to me, clearly in a private conversation. Then she would swing into the conversation with her glass of wine, push me out of the conversation, and then, when I walked away, talk about how I was not a good person. I have watched her sit in her dark corner whispering in the ears of many. Sometimes she would point at me and laugh. Other times she did it to others.
Going back to this beautiful and sweet young woman - who is not me. She attended many workshops, and the leader would just keep talking trash about this person, who was there to learn, who had paid for her spot, and who genuinely wanted to absorb and live the materials. This person went on not knowing what the leader said about her - which is probably a good thing - and not knowing how she had interfered in her relationships with others, manipulating it where she could.
I too did not know what was going on until I had a dream. In the dream, I was shown this person, this leader. She was carrying around little bags of shit - yep, literal shit - and hiding them all over the dreamscape. I wish I had not seen all of this. I wish I had not gone to dinner on Monday night and been told about the level of gossip that goes on at the premier Threshold event. I wish I could honor this person - this leader for the sacrifices she has given in her life to share such wonderful materials with all of us. And I do. But I cannot forget the shit bags which have been strewn across the landscape.
What I can do is learn from it. Should the Center of Being ever become a larger organization, I will be careful to watch myself and make sure I am never using my post to meddle in the affairs of others. I will be careful to watch myself and make sure jealousy and manipulation are not a part of my method of operation. Indeed, I left it lifetimes ago, but perhaps I do not know the seduction of it, yet?
And because I am owning my own shit, I have to admit I have played in the gossip to fit in with the leaders of the organization. In October of 2016, I was invited to dinner with them - only because they knew I had gossip. And I did it- I gossiped because I thought it was the thing to do to get noticed and to fit in (and it was, suddenly I was not invisible anymore - I was part of the inner circle).
The only time I have been invited to dinner by the leaders was because they wanted to hear what I knew about other people. I indulged them. I shared the gossip. I own it, and I have forgiven myself. I also apologized to the person whom I shared about with them. Gossip is a nasty thing I have never liked, and I cannot believe I stooped to that level to fit in with people just because of their leadership position. I allow forgiveness of Self.
I never want to talk about other people again. It is not me. It is not my nature at all. And the only person you hurt really is yourself.
Now that it's out, I want to thank you for bearing with me. I needed this space to work out a pattern I am ready to end. Indeed, that's why I created this space to share what I was going through and for you to share what you were going through in a supportive and non- judgmental community.
This pattern was an especially rough one, and I truly beat a dead horse. I had been skirting around the story of my true disappointment because I didn't want to gossip, when really I could have shared the worst of my discerning stories up front and been done with it.
Just typing it out here, I feel relieved of the pattern completely. Thank you for this space.
ONWARD! THE NEXT CHAPTER
With that, I am closing the chapter of of this CC experience completely. I choose to focus (the sense of focus, not mental focus) on the sensuality of living - like stepping into the paintings of the "Her Paris" exhibition that we recently visited in Denver.
It was amazing to really interact with the women in the paintings - to hold conversations with them on what Paris was like in the late 1800s.
I am focused on meeting people like Ascended Master Mark. He was so passionate about being able to connect with someone on physical Earth in the embodied enlightenment experience. He experienced his ascension in the 1970s - there was not a community of embodied masters around to share with. It was much harder to stay in the body. His audience was so much different. It is just incredible to talk with him.
I am focused on what's going on over in Keahak - Adamus really went into the Ahmyo life - not being beholden to anyone or anything or any energy. He was been talking about no energy creation - creation with pure consciousness. He has been talking about how energy is really simply communication. It's been a whole new world over there. One I can enjoy if I fast forward to the Adamus-only portion of the show and not listen to it live.
I am focused on my larger than life painting, which grows and changes each day. I am dreaming in brush strokes and colors and enjoying my new found method of expressing what is going on inside of me.
I am focused on my partner who is so beautiful in his energy. He literally contains no force, no manipulation. I joke he is made of feathers. It is a real treat to have him here for Christmas and the New Year.
I am focused on M. Babaji who shows me every day the "enlightenment map." The map is a dark image with lights like stars, that shows me where the centers of consciousness activity on Earth are located. The map changes each day, and M. Babaji gives me an update each day from his Himalayan cave/ etheric palace. Perhaps I will paint this new scene which has become part of my daily experience.
I am focused on the stories you all share with your heart and your soul. It is beyond words of appreciation.
Again, thank you for being here, bearing with me as I moved through my old crappy, repeating pattern, and allowed forgiveness of self and for the organization I have loved so much.
That's the thing - when we love something or someone so much - we place an expectation on the object of our human affections. When I remove the expectations of leadership behavior and I remove myself from the "shit-bagged" landscape, all I am left with is love, and wisdom distilled on how I will conduct myself in creation of the Center of Being, should it come to fruition through divine will and no energy creation.
I have allowed forgiveness of self, forgiveness of these leaders who must be compressed beyond belief in the energies they endure, and I am in massive honor for myself and everyone gracing this space with their presence - ascended and embodied. Wisdom Distilled. Next Chapter.
Has anyone else turned the page to a new chapter, ending a repeating pattern? I'd love to hear from you.