I was about to attempt to edit myself, I've done a lot of that these days, yet I've also taken a new view that it's not so much what you say but how you say it. And who you say it to.
I've kind of a done an excavation of Facebook forums these past two weeks or so, and it helps me remember that this whole hyper-focus, obsession with realization (oh man, me too, not a judgement-based comment) is HARD and ARDUOUS and PAINFUL. I now remember that.
AND, I'm willing to admit I had forgotten. Even in the space I'm in - the "hardest" thing as of late was pulling in this "angelic council" part of myself, which I wrote about in September.
Well, I didn't really pull a piece of myself in; I expanded my being-ness out to include it in ever-expansing embodied form. (Kai, thanks for help with the words). Still not exactly what I want to say....It's coming...
I'm no longer collecting the puzzle pieces but instead I sensing what I call ITERATIONS IN EXPANSION. Ones that do not go down a linear line in gravity but expand from all directions sans gravity. Iterations as in upgraded software of Self, embodying more and more of myself with each moment.
Iterations traditionally means repetitions but in this case, I use it as another way to describe the state of perpetual becoming - BEING.
In this expansion to bring in "angelic council self", there were many tears (it felt as if my I AM was crying and at the same time completely join NEW within itself. Also, some fears of losing myself entirely (only physically, not ceasing to exist) came up too, but they flowed in gently and flowed back out gently because they had no place to land.
Another way to say it, I expanded so much I felt like I might cease to exist in physical form and then I let go of the tie to physical form, and instead I became even more physically embodied - I love a good paradox!
YET I want to tell you there was NO SUFFERING involved in it, only SENSUALITY.
It was such an amazingly sensual process to expand myself into bringing this amazing facet of myself into this physical form. With the tears and how deeply I sensed myself, I was both crying tears of all the old wounds (firmly knowing they were not mine anymore) AND the experience was completely orgasmic in knowing myself in an even deeper way.
There wasn't some "limited human" and "master" in a dialogue about what was going on. It was an explosion of self, a grand display in the cosmos that make up the Universes of ME, and it was beyond beautiful, without time, and without the scale that gravity tends to provide us. It was completely natural, and because it was natural, it was without suffering.
Now that may piss some people off to say you no longer suffer -- and then I am tempted to remind you of my intense suffering but that's so ridiculous - in this new state of being you no longer view all that as suffering when you "look back --, OR those who still find themselves in the suffering cycle may say, hey it's nice to hear from someone that it does end.
And I promise it does. If you still have suffering coming up in your life, it won't always be there. I want to tell you that. Realization is the end of this suffering that most of us have clung so tightly too.
I think it is because we associate suffering with living - at the cellular level.
Physical life IS suffering. So deep within the depths of our being we feel (even though we know it's bullshit) that if we let go of suffering, we will cease to exist. It's primal. Or perhaps, you have another hang up that allows you to move beyond suffering as soon as you become aware of it. For that's all it takes, a tiny glimpse of awareness re-writes the whole experience in embodied form.
It now happens daily or multiple times a day. A tiny drop of awareness, and I have become new again. and again. and again....
How do I write this/ finding words....
After a certain level of consciousness flowed into me last year around this exact linear time, something switched in the world of human suffering.
First of all, I do not feel I have a little, petulant human to describe, to blame for everything.
So much of the talk "out there" on the forums is the little human and its rediculous-ness and how it is to blame for everything. Stupid human. Limited human. Master vs human. Fight within. Struggle within. If its hard, it means I am accomplishing something towards enlightenment. Bullshit!
Instead, my glorious and deeply loved human part of myself is enveloped in the fold of Self that is me. It is not a separate piece of myself that I beat up and view as a rebellious teenager or a crying child. (Thanks for the words, Joanna).
My human part is so intervoven in the fabric of myself I cannot distinguish it from the I AM, and the weirdest word of all - the master - so strange in this space to separate something out and give it a title. Ahhh...weird....
The delineation between human and master was a great tool to begin communication between the two, yet as long as you keep them separate there will always be a struggle. Suffering comes from the perception of separation. Separation is an illusion.
The two "sections" (human and divine) will merge naturally on their own, for sure, when you declare yourself ready.
However, as long as the language (language creates) focuses on master vs. limited human, suffering will always be present as you duke it out internally, instead of allow these many (infinite even) amount of threads weave themselves into a seamless tapestry of Self.
The Seamless Tapestry of Self woven into the Infinite Expression of You Embodied.
So beautiful. I cannot wait to see what you all weave into your tapestry, or what you have woven beyond any sense of time.
In honor of you,
Sar'h and Lauren as one - but more Sar'h (no clue how to talk about that yet...)
Have a wonderful weekend!