Just some notes....More for me than anything else....These are my personal experiences, not absolutes - of course...only the view from my own unique perception of BEING....
I've got about 24 hours until I drive off. It has been beautiful to the soul AND heart wrenching to the human - like learning that all of my Shaumbra neighbors went out without me on Saturday without an invite - as I make the big move.
The sting of not belonging even in the group of black sheep never goes away, yet I do sense it differently. It wasn't the physical act of not being invited but the energetic block of saying you don't belong in this group, you never have. They actually tried to hide it from me too, instead of simply telling me about it honestly. Actions and non-actions speak so loudly.
One radiant being coming by yesterday to give me perspective on this whole experience was truly the gift I needed at the human heart facet space. Thank you, Tess. To SEE and to be SEEN at the soul level is something I will never cease to appreciate.
Master Mark says the same thing. The fact that he can be seen under the Banyan Tree is still amazing for him even as a self-realized being. Juls - your note today was like medicine for the soul. I appreciate it beyond words, as was Tess' visit and letter. Thank you from the Center of my Being!
The marriage of opposites - blatant disregard for my existence (human acts) AND deep honor (soul expressions) - seems to be lining the perception of this one physical reality I am existing in. Then I expand and view the other realities and the sting dissipates in the expanse.
With that visit from a dear friend, I see so clearly, truly, it takes someone in their realization to recognize another in theirs. Those still hanging out in the teachings, linearity, effort-ing to create are not going to be able to see that you left it behind. and why you left it behind. And it's all appropriate. It is all okay.
In my awareness, I know I appear crazy and judgmental to those firmly in the teachings, the scriptures so to speak -- when really I AM simply multiple (not denying my human experience) and discerning. I too am okay with that. I have always been called crazy.
Though, my human always thought when the Triple E showed up people would honor it, yet it seems to be the opposite. I feel such a resistance - like opposing magnets - when I am BEING and others are ALLOWING - very distinct sensations for me. Even when people try to engage and be kind, I still feel the deep friction from within them. The aspect saying, how dare you insult me by leaving this group? It's not them at the soul that is communicating this friction, thus, I cannot take it personally. I can see that clearly too.
In the end not being inviting to the last Shaumbra gathering I could attend in physical - was and is absolutely perfect. Isn't everything always perfect? It was the exact representation in sum of this entire experience. Nothing external is ever going to satisfy the soul.
Here are some of my preliminary notes from the whole thing. Personal notes, not doctrine...
If you cannot hold back your enlightenment any longer, and move on from a group because you just can't fit into the confines, they feel like bars on a cage, you will not be held in high regard. DUH - I can't believe my human is just now getting this.
Just like you did not fit in in mass consciousness, you will no longer fit into a structure or a system of a consciousness group. Realization is a solo experience, my soul reminds the human.
The human never becomes enlightened. It simply streamlines into the BEING-ness, yet it still hurts the human facet when it is disregarded and strewn aside. And, I feel it does not pull me from the alignment, yet still hurts at the heart space where my human and my soul meet. Allow the hurt to flow through. Suffering is a case of mistaken identity.
I sat down yesterday and the day before and just cried. I allowed all the lifetimes of being discarded and unseen to flow right on through the expanse of BEING. Why deny it?
I do not need to try to explain myself as I leave. One person texted me more advice about how I SHOULD interact with Shaumbra, and it was so easy this time not to defend but just say - thanks so much for the advice.
I could really see they were trying to help, and there was no way in hell they could relate to the experience I am in right now. Of course, caring for me they would fall back on advice quotes and cliches.
What else could they do? Simply, I did not and could not take it personally. They were doing their best with no reference what moving does to a person. They never moved from the place they were born in. It truly did come from their heart.
This person also told me I needed to get on or off Facebook - my actions so offensive to them. That advice I did take. I have completely erased myself from that world. What a relief!!!
The need to correct or convince dissipates for me when I realize that person in simply not in the same perspective - you are in different spaces - no space better than another - simply different.
Other notes from the past months...
Things that were sensual and amazing to the human - like sex, wine, food, relationships, travel - anything external - no longer are fulfilling to me. And that is going to seem real strange to someone who still likes those things. And it may even seem insulting to them that you do not like those things anymore.
I still love (we do not use that word but for lack of a better one) my partner so much, but it is a sovereign - not needy - love. There are no cords that tie us together - there is no bonding or blending. He did not save me from anything or anyone.
It's only deep honor and respect from one soul to another. Separate beings in deep honor of each other. Seeing one another for who we are in all our multiplicity.
Our relationship is not defined by a single role such as boyfriend or girlfriend; our happiness is not dependent on the actions or consciousness of the other. No limits. And it can mold and shift and dissipate without taking either of us from our alignment of multiplicity.
Also and finally, I do not miss these external stimuli, either. When those sources of external comfort and pleasure leave, it sucked for a time for my human self, and then I got so filled up with non-linear, non-dualistic and not gravity-laden experiences I forgot all about it. The menu of 250,000 senses and millions of realities is so much more appetizing than a steak - but if I ever want a steak (doubtful) I would just eat it.
For me, and a trusted friend I can actually BE myself around, we both have experienced when you self-realize, when you enter into the space of perpetual becoming or BEING. Those who cannot see it or fathom it will not be able to see or appreciate it AND that's okay! As Yeshua said, those with eyes will see and those with ears will hear.
Being enlightenment does not make everything perfect or peachy. Things will be annoying - or more so your discernment turns on full blast. No becomes your main human word. Like a baby with a first word, I'll bet my last human word will be no thank you:P
And along with discernment, I have become even more sensitive like not wanting to be touched at the dentist office or eat at a restaurant that does not feel expansive and energetically clear - some restaurants are great just not the ones picked here in Colorado...:P Ewww.
The desire to travel has also left me for now. That too seems external. Why get make all that effort when I have 250,000 senses to explore and and tens of thousands if not millions of realities to wander and explore.
Of course, all of those experiences, especially travel, served me so well. Who knows, it might come back?
That letting go of the human need for consistency is part of the BEING experience for me. Like El Morya once said...
DON'T CALL ME A MASTER. THAT TITLE IS MUCH TOO LIMITING.
Indeed, my soul will not allow me to be boxed into any category. I am not Shaumbra, never have been. No wonder I am not invited to the gatherings, which in my discernment not judgement have become stale, uncomfortable and beyond limiting. I would have hated it even if I was invited. The not being invited was more of a representation of the human disappointment of this place.
For example, I am looking at the burn on the ceiling and the carpet stains from my last Shaumbra house guest. How is that okay? Shaking my head...
While my heart is cracked wide open from breaking, the break has made so much room for so much more. For the AND.
Why write about it? While it is helpful for me the human to write in catharsis, it may also open the doors for others to come out of hiding and express this too. For me, people like Joanna and Karen and others sharing on Ryver have been hugely supportive of me opening the door to what exists beyond Shaumbraland.
Talking to another person here who has integrated fully this old Shuambra aspect/ identity too is so supportive of my experience as a human. So if I can play that role for someone else, too, while enjoying writing it, why not?
My suol has showed me when you are in something - like a group you really beLIEve in - you think it is the center of the Universe. Then you expand and you realize it is only a tiny spec, a mere story, in the grandness of the Universe of the GodSelf or ME.
So, Oh Be Ahn - best wishes to my fellow travels of time and space. Perhaps in 3-5 years when Adamus gives permission with his prediction, they may see what lies beyond. And perhaps I won't seem so insane. But most of all - IT DOESN'T MATTER.
It's not called friend realization or external realization - it is called SELF realization - and through integrating this last identity of a group consciousness, I have found mySELF. If that's offensive, well, it's not about me.
But Adamus said....HA! totally kidding.