Over on the Ryver community and in my Facebook messenger people were sending me all sorts of messages about the Shoud, so here's my experience after being asked by multiple people. The photo is me before the Shoud and then during...Thanks, Nazar and Kiara, for reflecting to me how truly harsh it was. I didn't realize the level until I saw the photos. Same too for a friend.
It's not that I even want to go to the Shoud, yet I do love meeting my friends there and seeing their faces and hearing their stories. And perhaps learn a thing or two about being in OPE (other people's energy).
Right now at this very moment I have a flame burning inside myself, a flame of passion - passion for being and a passion for sharing that passion of being in the Shangra La of Self.
When you have gone through the darkest parts of yourself, after you have died a thousand deaths and burned to ash and risen like the Phoenix, you live in a state of joy - all the time. And I do. It's not human joy. It's something that does not have a word - yet.
It's not that you do not know the darkness in the world. It's not that you have forgotten the suffering in the embodied enlightenment experience - that you will never forget.
Yet, in every moment you hold a fire burning passion for knowing the God inside yourself. You don't have to do anything but be.
Several "shaumbra" have gone through this that I know personally. They have reached the depths of death and despair only to realize they found themselves in heaven - the heaven of self-awareness, or self-realization.
When I first arrived at the Shoud around noon, my fire burned bright.
One person, a long time Shuambra and teacher came up to me and grabbed my arm - not in a feeding way, but in a sharing way.
As she touched my arm she asked, "When? When is it going to happen?" She meant enlightenment.
"Any day now," I said with a big smile on my face.
I could see her master self behind her, waving at her saying, "I am right here. You can recognize me anytime."
She is so close. It's right there.
I said nothing more because in this environment sharing that you had gone through it and found a light on the other side is not welcomed. So all that's left to do is smile in honor of the person.
Also, I don't want to ruin the surprise that her master self is following her around and tapping her on the shoulder at every moment, she just can't see it yet.
And then the Shoud program started. I sat in the nice neat rows (the great teacher-student divide) and pondered the check-in process for the event.
When I checked in I was given a Christmas card from Geoff and Linda - nice - and a lecture -
"If you do not have your name badge on when the Christmas Party starts, you will be kicked out!"
The woman saying it seemed to read it off a piece of paper in she had been given, and you could tell she was embarrassed to say it.
They went through the updates and went through the workshops - all sold out.
And the doubts, fears, lack of passion that pervaded the land of Shaumbra began to rain in the studio. Not pleasant but good for business if you sell workshops.
This is nothing knew and it's a given - enlightenment is not pretty - we know that - yet all that doubt and despair can be contagious if you let it.
Doubt can only land and stick on someone who allows it. But do we need to place ourselves in an environment where its rampant? You can answer the question for yourself.
Then as Adamus began to talk and ask questions, one man shared that he was bored and had no passion - that's what happens when the perceived human will leaves the body - just before the divine will of the God self comes in. We've all been there, will be there, or are there now. I remember it well.
All the creations of the aspects start to cease because as the aspects come in for integration they can no longer create.
Soon that man's lack of passion will turn into a great fire burning within him - a deep passion for SELF, for being - if he allows it.
If I had been called on I would have shared my passion for being, but that is not welcome in this space.
My dear friend sat in front of me. I could feel the passion boiling from deep within her, too.
I am not special. There are others too who have allowed their enlightenment, but in this space we were not invited to share, in fact, it would be heavily frowned upon.
So why do we keep going when it's not supportive of the experience? Habit? Holding a standard? None of it, for me. It's pure curiosity. What it was like as a seeker is not at all what it is like after the seeking is done. Adamus could go up there and take a shit. Doesn't matter. But I am not immune to the soup of energies.
What if in this space we were able to share that passion for being, the passion for sensuality, to share what was happening beyond the nothing, to say what we have uniquely found beyond the void? Would it be supportive or would we be chased out by shuambra with pitchforks? I guess we'll never know because we have not been allowed to.
In the Center of Being - that passion for being is always welcome and you are always invited to share. As Adamus said, stop worrying you are judging - you are discerning. Again and again.
The heavy mental thoughts started about three days before the Shoud. I do not have heavy mental thoughts anymore, so I know they are not mine, but I listened to them to see what was "in the air", as Adamus said.
I want to mention as most of you know already - but just in case - the voice of Adamus is a collective conscious voice of Shaumbra - a reflection of Shaumbra back to Shaumbra, so basically we are listening to ourselves.
The thoughts were of the doubt and anger variety.
"This is made up...I'm not going to reach enlightenment - not before I run out of money....I'm already enlightened, said one aspect to the other, let's get out of here...I hate you. I hate everything. Why did you lie to me, Adamus....Blah. Blah. Blah."
When I was sitting in the studio the thoughts became louder and louder, and I knew they were not mine. They weren't anyone's, really.
However, I noticed something. When people came into the studio, they were generally light energetically and open. Then after the shoud the energy was very dense and contained a very deep sadness, which we all know is part of the experience but when you put it all into a small strip mall building, it becomes doubt and despair soup and then everyone is swimming in it with a drink in their hand. The Titanic?
Indeed, the old ways of channelers and workshops are indeed becoming a sinking ship.
There's lots of ways to look at it. One: is it is an excellent exercise in discerning what is and what is not yours. Two: It's a beautiful mess.
In the message, Adamus was reassuring - boredom, nothingness, despair, lack of passion - it's all a sign you are in a perfect place to allow your enlightenment. Perhaps it was not the message people wanted to hear. I watched the energy take a turn for the worse.
"This is it?" I heard the woman in front of me think internally.
Then came the party. Despair and lack of passion were attempted to be drowned out, as one man swallowed some whiskey straight from the bottle outside. I watched in observation.
With the alcohol hitting his blood stream, his aspects became even more animated. Mr. Doubt suddenly had a renewed vigor and Mrs. Lack of Passion started yacking away, talking over Mr. Doubt. There was a whole screen play occurring in the man's body of consciousness, one that had been rehearsed many times.
I watched in compassion, and then my master self asked, "We can understand it, but is this really how we want to spend our Saturday?"
Later after not eating all day and with the energies swirling I found I was very hungry. I saw a salad placed on a table. Light-headed I walked over to get some. Geoff scolded me that I was to not eat that salad and I needed to have something off the other table. The other table had farmed Costco shrimp and hormone cheese on it - stuff no master would eat. I really just wanted a small cup of dry lettuce. He didn't just scold me once inside but also again when I went outside for air.
"I'm so sorry," I said.
Again, is this how I wanted to spend my Saturday as a master? Was it masterly? No. And why wouldn't Geoff be more concerned with what was happening energetically in his space, if concerned about anything at all.
Side note: When and if the Center of Being has a physical space, there will be fresh, live food and you can have salad whenever you want.
I left early. The conversations go down a notch or two as more alcohol drunk, as more factory meat is consumed. I watched it with observation. The masters that walked in at noon where dwindling in numbers. I was going to lose my master too if I stayed too long.
I watched the energies become more and more chaotic as the atmosphere has aspects dancing on the ceiling, stamping in more doubt, more anxiety and more mental assessments of everything. There's also some joy mixed into the soup. There's honor and gratitude somewhere in there, but the other voices in the building are too loud. I can't hear myself inside this building.
I am just watching it. Yet, the noise level becomes so intense I excuse myself.
On my drive home I notice that I feel toxic - after months of feeling like pure joy. I get home and take a salt bath. Texts from three other Shuambra talked about how awful the experience was them too - it's not a human complaint they are stating - it is a master discernment.
I finally get to sleep about midnight. The doubt has manifested into despair - I now feel a deep sadness that is not mine.
But knowing it is not mine is not enough for it to go away, I have to keep it and hold it like soothing a crying baby.
"There, there, sweet child," I say to this Shaumbra baby. "Everything is going to be okay. I promise."
My heart feels like it is breaking in two. I cry for it, not for me. I cry because I know what it is like although I don't feel any of it anymore.
I text my master friends here on Sunday. They too felt the deep heart ache; they too cried. None of it was ours.
None of it is yours either. I belongs to the dying aspects in the ethers.
By going to the Shoud each month, I am essentially volunteering myself for this horrific duty. One I don't need anymore.
Last night, a friend texted that there is darkness everywhere in the world so it would be no different in the shoud. Indeed.
I responded, "When I am alone there is no darkness. Only the passion for being."
It's true. It's honest. Although I do hope to be able to hang out with people and not watch an aspect puppet show at some point.
When you have met all your so-called dark parts. The one who slit her wrist in front of her lover. The Arabian knight who murdered and raped. And you love them and allow forgiveness of them. It's not that they go away, it's that they are no longer dark. The become light in the shine of awareness.
Every morning I wake up in a state of passion. There is no doubt because I am living proof that enlightenment is not made up. I live in a state of ecstasy when I am alone.
So to walk into a strip mall where people are not in that space is like diving into a pit of despair. As a master you will not be overcome by it. But you still will be affected. An energy hangover, Adamus once called it.
As new masters, we are the babes learning to walk in our mastery. When you are learning to walk as a child, you don't just wake up and run a marathon. You take wobbly step after wobbly step, until they day when you simply take off - walking, running is on autopilot.
Or we are baby birds, learning to flap our wings and fly. Whatever analogy you like.
It is my hope for the etheric and/ or physical space for the Center of Being - for what I/ we are creating - never takes someones beingness and blankets it in the toxicity of contagious doubt.
That is why I have been stern in my writing. Talking about not giving or receiving under the Banyan. Leave your doubts at the door, leave your heavy mental aspects at the door, and join your master self under the tree.
Until there is enough people being in their passion, the physical space will remain a fiction for I am not creating another Crimson Circle.
I will not sell workshops and channels to doubting folks. It's done. Its over.
It has served it's purpose and I honor it. It was a huge part of my expansion. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
But it is not my creation - anymore. I am not here to manage the energies of Shaumbra - it's something you don't want to take on but by showing up you have some how agreed to it. The Colorado Shuambra who have lived here for years say similar things.
I am here to create joy and experience my creation. I am here to share my passion for being - by being passionate.
I am creating a space where there is no microphone, but if there was, I would hand it to all of you.
I am creating a space where there is no stage, but if there was, I would ask all of you all up there, and I'd sit in the audience, instead.
I am creating a space where you can eat salad any time you flipping want to! :P