Just some notes....More for me than anything else....These are my personal experiences, not absolutes - of course...only the view from my own unique perception of BEING....
I've got about 24 hours until I drive off. It has been beautiful to the soul AND heart wrenching to the human - like learning that all of my Shaumbra neighbors went out without me on Saturday without an invite - as I make the big move.
The sting of not belonging even in the group of black sheep never goes away, yet I do sense it differently. It wasn't the physical act of not being invited but the energetic block of saying you don't belong in this group, you never have. They actually tried to hide it from me too, instead of simply telling me about it honestly. Actions and non-actions speak so loudly.
One radiant being coming by yesterday to give me perspective on this whole experience was truly the gift I needed at the human heart facet space. Thank you, Tess. To SEE and to be SEEN at the soul level is something I will never cease to appreciate.
Master Mark says the same thing. The fact that he can be seen under the Banyan Tree is still amazing for him even as a self-realized being. Juls - your note today was like medicine for the soul. I appreciate it beyond words, as was Tess' visit and letter. Thank you from the Center of my Being!
The marriage of opposites - blatant disregard for my existence (human acts) AND deep honor (soul expressions) - seems to be lining the perception of this one physical reality I am existing in. Then I expand and view the other realities and the sting dissipates in the expanse.
With that visit from a dear friend, I see so clearly, truly, it takes someone in their realization to recognize another in theirs. Those still hanging out in the teachings, linearity, effort-ing to create are not going to be able to see that you left it behind. and why you left it behind. And it's all appropriate. It is all okay.
In my awareness, I know I appear crazy and judgmental to those firmly in the teachings, the scriptures so to speak -- when really I AM simply multiple (not denying my human experience) and discerning. I too am okay with that. I have always been called crazy.
Though, my human always thought when the Triple E showed up people would honor it, yet it seems to be the opposite. I feel such a resistance - like opposing magnets - when I am BEING and others are ALLOWING - very distinct sensations for me. Even when people try to engage and be kind, I still feel the deep friction from within them. The aspect saying, how dare you insult me by leaving this group? It's not them at the soul that is communicating this friction, thus, I cannot take it personally. I can see that clearly too.
In the end not being inviting to the last Shaumbra gathering I could attend in physical - was and is absolutely perfect. Isn't everything always perfect? It was the exact representation in sum of this entire experience. Nothing external is ever going to satisfy the soul.
Here are some of my preliminary notes from the whole thing. Personal notes, not doctrine...
If you cannot hold back your enlightenment any longer, and move on from a group because you just can't fit into the confines, they feel like bars on a cage, you will not be held in high regard. DUH - I can't believe my human is just now getting this.
Just like you did not fit in in mass consciousness, you will no longer fit into a structure or a system of a consciousness group. Realization is a solo experience, my soul reminds the human.
The human never becomes enlightened. It simply streamlines into the BEING-ness, yet it still hurts the human facet when it is disregarded and strewn aside. And, I feel it does not pull me from the alignment, yet still hurts at the heart space where my human and my soul meet. Allow the hurt to flow through. Suffering is a case of mistaken identity.
I sat down yesterday and the day before and just cried. I allowed all the lifetimes of being discarded and unseen to flow right on through the expanse of BEING. Why deny it?
I do not need to try to explain myself as I leave. One person texted me more advice about how I SHOULD interact with Shaumbra, and it was so easy this time not to defend but just say - thanks so much for the advice.
I could really see they were trying to help, and there was no way in hell they could relate to the experience I am in right now. Of course, caring for me they would fall back on advice quotes and cliches.
What else could they do? Simply, I did not and could not take it personally. They were doing their best with no reference what moving does to a person. They never moved from the place they were born in. It truly did come from their heart.
This person also told me I needed to get on or off Facebook - my actions so offensive to them. That advice I did take. I have completely erased myself from that world. What a relief!!!
The need to correct or convince dissipates for me when I realize that person in simply not in the same perspective - you are in different spaces - no space better than another - simply different.
Other notes from the past months...
Things that were sensual and amazing to the human - like sex, wine, food, relationships, travel - anything external - no longer are fulfilling to me. And that is going to seem real strange to someone who still likes those things. And it may even seem insulting to them that you do not like those things anymore.
I still love (we do not use that word but for lack of a better one) my partner so much, but it is a sovereign - not needy - love. There are no cords that tie us together - there is no bonding or blending. He did not save me from anything or anyone.
It's only deep honor and respect from one soul to another. Separate beings in deep honor of each other. Seeing one another for who we are in all our multiplicity.
Our relationship is not defined by a single role such as boyfriend or girlfriend; our happiness is not dependent on the actions or consciousness of the other. No limits. And it can mold and shift and dissipate without taking either of us from our alignment of multiplicity.
Also and finally, I do not miss these external stimuli, either. When those sources of external comfort and pleasure leave, it sucked for a time for my human self, and then I got so filled up with non-linear, non-dualistic and not gravity-laden experiences I forgot all about it. The menu of 250,000 senses and millions of realities is so much more appetizing than a steak - but if I ever want a steak (doubtful) I would just eat it.
For me, and a trusted friend I can actually BE myself around, we both have experienced when you self-realize, when you enter into the space of perpetual becoming or BEING. Those who cannot see it or fathom it will not be able to see or appreciate it AND that's okay! As Yeshua said, those with eyes will see and those with ears will hear.
Being enlightenment does not make everything perfect or peachy. Things will be annoying - or more so your discernment turns on full blast. No becomes your main human word. Like a baby with a first word, I'll bet my last human word will be no thank you:P
And along with discernment, I have become even more sensitive like not wanting to be touched at the dentist office or eat at a restaurant that does not feel expansive and energetically clear - some restaurants are great just not the ones picked here in Colorado...:P Ewww.
The desire to travel has also left me for now. That too seems external. Why get make all that effort when I have 250,000 senses to explore and and tens of thousands if not millions of realities to wander and explore.
Of course, all of those experiences, especially travel, served me so well. Who knows, it might come back?
That letting go of the human need for consistency is part of the BEING experience for me. Like El Morya once said...
DON'T CALL ME A MASTER. THAT TITLE IS MUCH TOO LIMITING.
Indeed, my soul will not allow me to be boxed into any category. I am not Shaumbra, never have been. No wonder I am not invited to the gatherings, which in my discernment not judgement have become stale, uncomfortable and beyond limiting. I would have hated it even if I was invited. The not being invited was more of a representation of the human disappointment of this place.
For example, I am looking at the burn on the ceiling and the carpet stains from my last Shaumbra house guest. How is that okay? Shaking my head...
While my heart is cracked wide open from breaking, the break has made so much room for so much more. For the AND.
Why write about it? While it is helpful for me the human to write in catharsis, it may also open the doors for others to come out of hiding and express this too. For me, people like Joanna and Karen and others sharing on Ryver have been hugely supportive of me opening the door to what exists beyond Shaumbraland.
Talking to another person here who has integrated fully this old Shuambra aspect/ identity too is so supportive of my experience as a human. So if I can play that role for someone else, too, while enjoying writing it, why not?
My suol has showed me when you are in something - like a group you really beLIEve in - you think it is the center of the Universe. Then you expand and you realize it is only a tiny spec, a mere story, in the grandness of the Universe of the GodSelf or ME.
So, Oh Be Ahn - best wishes to my fellow travels of time and space. Perhaps in 3-5 years when Adamus gives permission with his prediction, they may see what lies beyond. And perhaps I won't seem so insane. But most of all - IT DOESN'T MATTER.
It's not called friend realization or external realization - it is called SELF realization - and through integrating this last identity of a group consciousness, I have found mySELF. If that's offensive, well, it's not about me.
But Adamus said....HA! totally kidding.
On this POST, Raphealle wrote the following comment. It's so much what I sense going on and reflects so perfectly the conversations I've been having with others and mySelf I wanted to share her wisdom and add a few notes...Perhaps you will add your wisdom in the comments section too....
She wrote, "Dear Lauren, as always thank you for this space! I deeply can feel and love the discernment between building and true creation. Between allowing creation to happen from soul passion, without agenda, vs. planing, working and forcing things into reality. I see that those principles Adamus named as Ahmyo life are identical with the basics of creativity and art (those artists commited to express divne will, mostly without naming it so).
And there comes the point where I stumble again and again : connecting with my soul passion I hear loud and clear that it is time to step out of hiding, to start to share! It is so I started creating a blog, without knowing what I will share and with who, to find my many ways of sharing.
So what happens? The agenada comes back though the backdoor, as building the ground for soul passion became the agenda. And of course this goes beyond comfort and the human fears and limitations, so sometimes it feels like effort, as work, as you surely experienced also with your physical creations in the last years. Or not?
And if I don't go into physical, if I stop when it comes to the point when physical action beyond human fear and laziness is required, labeling it building and effort/ what sense does it make to even stay in physical?"
I see this a lot especially with my friends whom I hold in high regard, like you. They have so very much to share but when it comes time to put things on paper or a website, that voice inside says something is off. When it comes to charging money, again the voice comes.
In fact, sometimes I feel those like you have so much to say, more than me, it is hard to focus on one thing. For example, your wisdom, your beautiful singing voice, your understanding of healing, and your amazing connection to worlds beyond this physical one. That's a hell of a lot of stuff to bring into the physical.
How do you choose what to focus on? How do you bring all that magnificence into a website? It's near impossible. (However, you do capture it so well in a song. You make my heart expand infinitely when you sing...) Yet, there is the distillation of soul wisdom which can create the matter, consciously, if you choose (or better yet, don't)....
Old Lauren would tell you to have a deep, sensual conversation with your soul about passionate physical expression and see what comes up. That's old Lauren.
However, I have found there was no conversation with my soul about what my passionate creation was or is. It simply unfolds each day. I do not think about anything. I move from bed to laptop and everything unfolds.
I say and I mean it, I do not want to do anything or participate in any conscious community anymore. Yet, more and more and more money shows up AND I know psychically and intuitively EXACTLY what is going on in the conscious community on physical Earth and non-physical Earth, without actually wanting to know it.
In this space, for me, choice is completely irrelevant and soul and human are ONE voice, although the human has become a facet, which can still have an opinion but nobody in my body of consciousness listens to it anymore. So basically, it talks like three times a week.
I call my friend Tess the master of non-physical creation (I will not share the details because it is not mine to share but I hope she shares her story at some point). She doesn't have a website. She doesn't work at a job either. She has everything she needs and more. If and when she does decide to create in the physical, well...I cannot wait to see it.
Yet, I do NOT see her struggling to create in the physical. The divine unfoldment is in a beautiful ease in her body of consciousness. It is a pleasure to watch and to spend time in her radiating presence. One of my favorite things. She doesn't need a website. It might even diminish her grandness.
I offer this story to share that one does not have to be going big on a giant project or crowd funding campaign to be a Master of Self and in bliss. In fact, it seems to go the opposite way....
Indeed, as you know, not everything has to be created in the physical. Creations are no less real if you cannot touch them with your human hands or see them with human eyes.
Raphaelle, I would say you have many creations already. It's like a buffet. What item from the buffet would you like to bring into the physical, if any? Could you view it as an experiment? Watch agenda pop up and circumnavigate it? When the agenda pops up, I have found it is a great opportunity for distillation of wisdom. Where did the agenda come from? Is it mine? If so, let's integrate the bitch...
Actually, none of my creations in the past years since closing my Public Relations firm have felt like work. It felt entirely appropriate for a while to charge people for sessions (to have the experience so I could write about it not because I loved it but I did and do love the people so much), and I had to charge for the workshop in the Netherlands to pay Sandra and Jonathan. To bring my creation forth at that time, I had to play by their rules and/ or the rules of the conscious community - that collective consciousness thats says unless you pay money, it is not worth anything. Blah...
I desired the experience so I was willing to pay the fees laid out in the contract, something I knew was important to Sandra, so I respected it as I was in her domain. I did not make so much money, I was paid in the experience of the community sharing. That's okay, and I am grateful for the experience with many of you all, and the other piece was only a slight irritation. Worth it, but not something I am going to repeat.
Also, I have found, for me, if I express a passion and I stay in that passion (not by choice or effort but because I have no other choice but to bloom in expression, like an orgasm you cannot hold back) - money shows up to support it. Yet, the money doesn't have to come from quid pro quo sources.
A soul expression may be funded with an investment that has been stagnant and then all of sudden blooms in correlation with my passion, for example. This money has no strings attached. I don't owe anyone a good, service, or my time. I am not beholden to anyone or anything.
I have written about it HERE.
"I watch this line moving also with Sandra and Jonathan, I see both of them truely commited to their soul passion and then it gets kind of twisted by human will force."
My comment: I love them both and see their soul's passion expressed and then squashed with hardness and effort like shooting darts, and that is why I took the time to write them. I do not take the time to write other people. I can relate so much and hold so much compassion. I think the masters hub and the movie hold many potentials. I wouldn't even bother if I did not think the pure passion was there - even if it is a tiny spark, that's all you need to start a fire.
I am not against charging for things or even asking for monetary support. It is not something I want to do, but others can certainly make it a conscious endeavor if they choose. Yet, when you take money for such things, you are beholden to it and often affected by the consciousness of the person who gave the money. There's a reason patrons are patrons, often because it gives or buys them a voice. I know this from my non-profit work days. We were always beholden to our donors. Always.
My alternative: Begin to make the movie, paint the picture, create the album with pure passion and watch all the support you need show up. Take the mechanical structure out of creation as to not limit its grandness. Easier said than done, I know. And allowing. More allowing. Don't punch me:P
"The years before I stopped everything from my professional life, that was always connected to healing, therapy and art, because I felt it gets poisoned when the need for money comes in. That was a good thing to distill, to get to the roots, to make my way through all those layers of fear, basicly to die and to die to find the simple soul passion within. Surprise, it goes perfectly together with what I learned in this lifetime. And all the physical basics are gone, except a old car I use a lot and a flat payed from social welfare. If it comes out that I am constantly travelling I go to jail, sound and feels like a joke. Haha. Really.
Maybe even this wish or dream to have a professional life that is completely independent from Income, or income that is independent from work/expression also is just human will- wanting to escape the density of this reality? Really, I would love to hear some outside insights on that."
My comment: Gosh, doesn't escaping the density of this reality sound good? Sometimes when I venture out of the house, I want to stop having to be around people. Yet, people will be human. They will smile and laugh and hiss and hit. This world will be dense and unfair. The government will be corrupt and the money system stifling.
And then I take a deep breath. I cannot change people or the physical earth. I can change my perspective. I can change how I interact with both people and the world. And I love to play in the space beyond the veils of Maya.
That's why we use the word BEYOND. It is not one or the other. We don't exist either in gravity or not in gravity. We do not exist in linear time or not in it. We exist in both gravity and no gravity. We exist in linear and non-linear time. We create and we build and we evolve. What experience do we choose consciously? Do we have any choice left at all? For better and worse, I do not have choice left in me.
Going BEYOND is all inclusive. It simply means our awareness has gone beyond the limits of maya, and we still play in all fields. We can hate it and curse it, or we can see it as a playground to experiment on. We can sense how amazingly grand it is to be incarnated as self-aware beings right here, right now. Or we can curse it and dream every day of escaping it.
It will always be both for me, yet I choose to focus on the fun. My soul's passion is to play in no energy creation for conscious creations and new energy creations and new energy businesses are a chapter I already closed. There is no more passion for it.
And the honor for those who do love to build runs deep in me. Enjoy it before it exhausts you beyond all fun and pleasure and begins to feel like work with a conscious twist. Or even worse, the "have to complete" the project because I took donor money weight becomes too heavy to carry around. A master never wants to "have to do" anything. The I AM is not beholden to anyone or anything, and their soul expressions reflect that.
In honor of you all and Raphaelle who has the voice of an angel. (Deep gratitude)
What if your ultimate physical creation is the embodied enlightenment experience and everything else - the movies, the websites, the books, and everything besides that experience - are mere distractions in the GRAND radiance of your Being (essence) embodied? Is that not the Magic of Being? Is it not that simple?"