ALONE by Joanna

Many have written about the 'steps and stage' leading up to realization, but few have dared to write about what happens 'after.' Really there is no before and after once you step into the totality of being you, for that is just another duality. But for the sake of conversation and a growing need to toss out old dogmas of the realized state, I share with you Joanna's article - ALONE.

Not exactly matching my unique experience or yours, she touches on something - a broad experience - that seems to come into play in this embodied experience. It's also a call - if you choose - to move beyond those limited definition of what it means to be human and divine and allow the totality of the consciousness of you to come into embodiment. There's no better time than now.
Thank you, Joanna, for capturing in words what I have not been able to - yet  - Lauren

There is a totality in the depths of what ALONE feels like initially, to the degree that if not experienced, very few can understand….although I’m sure many here know. It’s not an alone from being an orphan or being single. It’s not the alone we feel so at home in when no one is bugging us in our floating bliss. It’s a feeling so profound, that the human, the spirit and any part that has felt a strong camaraderie with others or a strong purpose of being (on any level) feels like they are being ripped apart. 

I will preface this by saying that there is ‘the other side’ of this (there always is) … it walks through us and we come to such a supreme feeling of freedom that nothing else compares. Sometimes different layers of this occur after we let in the supreme freedom that is us. But going through it can be rough. When it trickles down to all parts and pieces that are unaccepting or unaware it can feel like it wreaks havoc. I find, and have found personally, that our spiritual quests of the so-called past are some of the trickiest and stickiest to navigate.

I was once absolutely terrified of losing my husband… it’s not actually that I even liked him that much (ha!) and it’s not that I cared about being single or not. It’s that I thought that if I didn’t have another beside me in my space, I would float away and would cease to exist. This was before I knew much of anything on the human experiential level, but enough was coming in that I felt it. So I kept him around; I pretended nothing was wrong; I pushed it to the very edge to allow it to decide for me if I should stay on the planet or not. That would be a great excuse to leave, no? I wouldn’t have to make the decision. When we finally separated, it brought me to my knees… literally I would collapse mid step in a puddle of tears on to the floor. I couldn’t move, sometimes quite paralyzed. Seeing almost anyone was painful, a restriction I couldn’t take. I could not explain the depths of what it was to people who thought it was about divorce. I spent the better part of the next three years completely alone with my cats.

This supremeness of sovereignty, these levels of consciousness that we are bringing in, and where we are going next, leaves no room for old attachments or limitation of any kind. It has a difficult time even being in the body, let alone the stories that go along with it. Of Earth or otherwise. 

What we release here, isn’t just a ya, I’ll see you next life, in the next game. What it is, is a COMPLETE removing of oneself from everything and anyone we’ve ever known in an old way. It’s a severing that is harsh when felt at it’s depths, that can happen anytime; before, during or after realization, whether we are aware of what it actually is or not. Yes, it’s true that we can make it smoother if we choose; I always chose to rip off the bandaid - it’s a personal choice. 

When we add in the components of who we really are, the grandest and most famous roles we’ve ever played and the comrades we played them with, the result can be devastating on so many levels. We are letting go of the very deepest essences of our being to move into the new. A complete dissolution of everything. The very reason we thought we existed, on almost all levels don’t forget, feels like it’s being ripped from our being. And really, it is.

Now being in the human body might bring just another level to it…the depth of FEELING. What we wanted from this place, the slowed down physical feeling of being. Something most have never allowed themselves to even get near. It brings a depth to passion that can only be felt here, something again many on this journey won’t even dip a toe in after twenty, even thirty years. 

We are ready for this, we asked for this and we are stepping into this regardless…but it still needs to move through us. So what we are saying here is that this isn’t just about realization. That is just the flip of perception and awareness that opens the door to the rest of us. It’s part of it, but we are moving into the new also.

And believe me, many days I would rather stay in the complete and overarching, supreme, untouchable, truth of freedom that I actually am and live out my days in bliss at all times. But I agreed to feel (as have others) and partake and experience this right here, right now in this physical body. And so comes along with it, some not so nice parts. Some pain and some shitting of pants (ha!). And while it’s simultaneous - these two points can exist together - sometimes we dive right in to the nasty bits, because we know we can’t get lost. Not everyone has to do this or wants to do this - and that doesn’t matter.

The truth of what is happening is this: we are bringing in these levels of ourselves that have never been near any of their creations in such a way before. It has never been a part of some of these beings that are part of our multiplicity. So this human point of convergence that is us, feels all these layers being touched by consciousness that have never felt this level of compassion, neutrality and purity of acceptance before. And we all kinda know this, but once in a while we need to be reminded of the magnitude of what we are doing. 

This is seeing something for what it really is at the highest levels of consciousness and in turn this creates an alchemy that transmutes the ‘thing’ or the ‘aspect’ into the neutrality or wisdom that it truly is. These parts don’t have a clue what that is and so, will sometimes put up a fight. (We know this well also!) But then the human layer will sometimes interfere with what it thinks is happening. For example, well when I was five years old, such and such happened, or my husband/wife left me. And we go down this tunnel searching and looking and fixing and drag it all out… and it has nothing to do with the current ‘thing’.

We can bring this down to you, here, reading this, in your chair or at your desk. We can say to ourselves: wow, I thought that was ‘gone’ why is this coming up again. Some call it the spiral as we re-meet certain aspects of ourselves with new awareness… that’s one way of putting it. But, we can also say it’s not really you sitting there that it’s coming up for, it’s coming up for perhaps a part of your being you are not aware of, it may be coming up for a level that is part of your collective.

The encouragement here is open beyond the ‘my human’. The human is not a stupid rambunctious puppy; it’s a very important part of what is occurring right now. It’s feeling what all the other levels are feeling, and doing ok considering. It’s really, really important at this point in the game to start to expand the notions and ideas of who we are. Beyond human vs master or human vs soul. You feel everything because you ARE everything. 
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It’s hard to conceive with the mind. That these wide open spaces that we are contain so much within them. And add to THAT, what it's often so hard to convey: the BIG picture view that certain structures are crumbling. Because of the layers of consciousness we are bringing down, things that previously existed simultaneously within our enlightenment, are either going out of existence or no longer exist at all. For realz. Can be tough. It truly is different now. 
When I embodied, I became aware that my essence was EVERYWHERE... it's not as simple as, oh on this human level I'll just leave the club or the family. We become aware of who we are on ALL levels and of everything we are taking part in, everywhere. We become aware of the eons and eons of 'time' we have been involved in everything and with whom and we are cleaning up in a way, again, that has never been done before. 

How that translates here sometimes is an inability to participate in or even talk about anything that hinders true freedom in any way. It quite literally hurts on levels we didn't know we had--we aren’t just human. The 'other realms' IS where we exist and we are aware of it. It's not an either/or, it's not a right/wrong and certainly nothing as juvenile as a rebellion.

What we are also doing is changing the very structure of everything we have ever done on all layers of creation… when you are aware of that and EXIST IN THAT, you see all layers of what is occurring and how you are involved. Details aren’t really needed at certain points, but feeling it is enough.

So when one layer removes itself, so do ALL LAYERS. It's not a judgment or a hierarchy when others don't see what we see, we have just opened up to these layers that exist in each one of us. But to convey that to others who think it's just about leaving a club, a partner or friends, it’s almost impossible. It's not drama... it's a release and a dissolving of much of what we have always known to be. It’s a big fucking deal. But the hurt does have an ending point.

The other day I was clearing out a collection of things to give away to a thrift store. At the bottom of a box of CDs (ya I still have some), I found a forgotten letter from the aforementioned husband that on the surface seemed like a love letter, but was actually a manipulation. When I figured that out the first time I was devastated and humiliated; when I look at it now — Nada. Nothing. Even a slight smile. Who the hell was that person, I thought. The depth of what I had felt at the time, that brought me to my knees, was a vast history of being manipulated, disaster ensued and along with that came a big dose of guilt. A big long story that may have involved being a very angry guard-cat-person— don’t ask! I didn’t know the story at the time or understand the depths of release.

I had a spiritual quest, a reason for being at what I thought was at the core of me, to protect and to stop the baddies, to put it in its simplest terms. I had a posse of beings at my side that I loved, honored and were with me no matter what. We thought we could not exist without one another. The ex was part of that. But as we all know, the battle never ended that way…

And then I found another way — I met my Maker. I tried to share that freedom with others. Tried to show, convince, scream, push you name it. It fell on deaf ears and it was heartbreaking.

Everyone was searching desperately for answers but no one actually wanted them. It hurt….deep.

And then I realized I could just STOP. Be on my own. ALONE. It ripped down to - almost - the core of me, but for my sake and creation’s, I had to. And so I let the baddies free. And so I let my comrades free. And they continue to play….some of them. It’s not pretty; it’s heart-wrenching; it’s beyond frustrating to watch.

And yet, I set myself free. 

And I sat there invisible. 

No agenda. No purpose. No reason to be. FREE.

Waiting. 

Slowly but surely some saw me…returning and joining me in freedom. To the beingness where nothing can touch us. Nothing hurts. There’s no hierarchy, no past, no convincing. 

In the meantime we walk through it, whatever it may be, whenever it comes up. Some of us choose to truly dive in just so we know. Sometimes orgasm, sometimes just ugly orgasm face without the fun. 

And look now, a space to be, share, and create the new. By true choice, true friendship, not old ties. Alone doesn’t mean without others. Alone is a necessity so we can reconnect and support from freedom. ALONE but FREE to support in truth. It’s a whole new ballgame and it’s worth every minute when you’re on the other side.

Thank you, Joanna!